end of my love story wid him

So now I am to end my story.., after that sem again., things were normal for me., until one day., my bestfriend txtd me and asked for my time., said he was sad and wanted to talk to someone.., but he won’t tell me everything though.., so I figured him out and played a guessing game.., until he had no choice but to tell me that he was TWO-TIMED by his gf.., poor guy., so I comforted him.., and I felt bad for him., he told me he wants to get revenge., and thankfully I dissuaded him., (but maybe I should have just let him get his revenge though?) so once again., back to being close and inseparable., this time.., MUCH closer.., we ate lunch together.., went home together and the likes.., but all this time., I kept my feelings for him in check., until he asked me one day.., if I could wait for him., I said I don’t really wait for anyone., if you get there.., the better.., with matching speech: “you know that you’re the only guy who made me wish to be in a relationship”., he said he really wants to be that guy with whom I would have a relationship with., all he wants is just time.., so I fully allowed myself to fall this time., I trusted him for he’s my bestfriend.., I trusted that he knew what he was doing and won’t allow me to fall if he won’t catch me.., then my family went through a financial and emotional fiasco., I lost sleep, time and energy thinking about family issues that I couldn’t concentrate on my studies., for the first time in my life., I failed in school.., and then., I decided to transfer to a cheaper school so as not to burden my parents that much.., but deep inside I was dying for I won’t be able to see my bestfriend anymore.., I was scared to lose connection with him., but during the first few parts of this sem.., I saw him almost everyday., my mom, my bro, and my friends were wondering aloud what was goin on between us., but I said that we were just bestfriends.., i got closer to him that I was able to meet his barkada and he introduced me to his younger sis.., I thought all was fine., many times I wanted to back out., to cut anything with him., but he said again..,”why stop urself from falling bes? You know that I’m always here for you and you know that I love you too..” so silly me., trusted him more of my heart which I kept safe for so long.., until one night.., everything happened so fast.., he confessed to me that he ain’t over his ex yet., that he still misses his ex., and I just lost it.., I asked him what his plan for us was., he said he didn’t really know., a lot of things and talk happened that night., bottomline: HE refused me…., waaaaaaah it’s seemed as if I was the one who courted Him.., (ego blow #1).., he reasoned that he doesn’t want to hurt me coz he’s not ready for another commitment after his ex (why did he even start something when he has no plans on finishing?) BUT the greatest blow to my egeo was when he said.., “IM AFRAID I MIGHT GET HURT AGAIN”..,that I had the traits of being able to 2 time a guy..,

So that’s my crazy love story., the first time I allowed myself to fall.., I got burned so bad.., but I am not hating him for hurting me., I thank him for allowing me to know that I am capable of loving a person as a whole.., I thank him for breaking me and allowing me to pick up the best pieces of me., I thank him for all the memories we shared and the people we met and friends he introduced to me.., I miss him and d way we used to be as bestfriends., my other friends tell me to just shut him off completely., but I can’t and I won’t.., I don’t want every memory we shared as friends go to waste., I know that I am his loss.., I know how much I can love and I know how loyal I can be.., as the famous song goes.. “though your someone in the world that I’ll always choose to love.., from now on.., you’re only someone that I used to love”

part 2 of my crazy lovelife

So part 2 of my story happened after summer.., During summer., I had to deal with missing him so bad., I had to entertain myself and just be in touch with the reality I believe in that guys are just not for me.., that fairy tale romance is not just for the kind of girl I am., that only pretty girls are allowed to have one., while setting aside my crush for him., a part of me was hoping that he would come seek me out.., he never did., so new sem.., new people., since our school became more compact.., we got to see each other still., and the friendship I thought had ended.., continued., I asked sorry for what happened., he forgave me and we went on as friends.., or so I liked to think., I caught the eye of other guys in our school.., but there was this one guy who totally went out of his way just to know me.., he was all I ever wanted in a guy., neat,smart,cute,sweet and totally not scared to be seen with me., in fact he was proudly showing me off to anyone he knew that we met., I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel kilig to any of his moves.., until I started to wish that it was my supposedly “ex” crush doing the things he was doing.., all these times me and my supposedly “ex” crush reconnected and got even closer., until I confessed again that he was still my crush.., he said then that it was the same for him., I was so happy then., then when I got to check his friendster profile., I saw a comment on his page of how lucky he was to be the boyfriend of their friend., I was shocked and hurt for I didn’t expect such.., but I took all the pain in., for I knew I had no right too., so I txted him and asked him bwt his gf., he said “u know na diay? Sorry bes hap., ddnt want to hurt you man gud., and I like what we are right now., “.., after that I distanced myself from him coz I knew he had a gf already.., the damage has been done., his gf was so jealous of me that they broke up on valentines day..,! at first I didn’t really know what the reason was until he told me..”ikaw man gud., I got libog on what you told me.., I liked you 1st before her baya”… but still., I didn’t want to be a relationship wrecker.., so I urged him to go back to his ex.,. and he did., oh and d night before v-day., I said yes to become d gf of another friend of mine., this friend knew about my crush on my bestfriend and he still wanted to be with me.., I really wanted that relationship to last but it didn’t.., it lasted less than a day.., I couldn’t bear the thought of being with another and wanting someone else.., so on v-day2008.., I broke 3 people’s hearts.., and what happened to the other guy that seemed to be what I wanted? Nothing., he got frustrated with me., he decided to just see me as a friend.,

part 1 of my crazy lovelife

share lang ko., nyehehehe., sakit man gud., it myt help to unload my story., oh well.., thanks reniel for asking me to write my story., writing about part1 in my 3 part story helped ease d pain a bit.,

i was just minding my own business.., i never wanted to befriend any1.., new course., fresh from nursing which i totally hate., i just went on wid my routine., attend class., leave right after class..., usually i am late so no one can talk to me.., until the times where teacher comes in late.., so fellow classmates had time to talk and bond., i never joined any of them.., i did not want to get attached to people in my new course and classes.., i had plans to fail all my subjects and really pursue the course i had in mind.., but there was this one annoying guy.., who just won't leave me alone on that particular day.., asked me to join his friends and bond with them.., I tried my best to decline but he just won’t quit.., so i grudgingly went to join his group while waiting for the teacher., and that was the first memory I had of him.., i forgot about him after that class.,, but he did not forget about me., he asked my number from my other classmates(he is of another course.., we just had some classes together)., then txt msgs from an unknown number txt me randomly throughout the days to come., until I got bored and replied to the texts the unknown number kept on sending.., that was the start of a friendship I never thought I could have., I found a person whom I could talk to and would stay up with me just to talk about everything and anything under the sun., it went on the whole summer and the next sem., I was not as bored as I used to thanks to my new friend., life was just so beautiful., during those times.., I was an absolute non-believer of love.., I knew that love between family exists.., I mean it’s a bondage that you share with your family., I never believed in friendships and relationships between a boy and a girl., but slowly I realized that I was starting to have a crush on him., so I told him that we should stop what we were doing., for I did not want to have any crushes for I know I will only end up hurt., he knows me already by that time and I admit that I am totally honest with myself., he told me he likes me too., he got mad why I can’t take the risk of falling for him., I was stupid back then., so I just said I can’t.., I never believed in love anyway., so on the last day of the sem., we parted badly with each other., he got hurt and humiliated and me just running away from him..,

choices

it's been awhile since i last blogged here... a lot of things has happened to me last month... my grandma passed away, i got myself a boyfriend and dumped him the next day, i got myself a new best friend and i learned a lot of things too...

it's really crazy how one can adapt to life and it's struggles... one morning you're as fragile as
a petal and the next thing you know, you are as hard as a rock...

i don't know what life has in store for me... everyday i am humbled by the fact that change is the only constant thing in this world... thus i don't plan long-term already... as much as possible... i now live in the moment... what's the point in planning when you don't even know when the wind of change will begin to blow?

i am just happy that i got my wish that my first boyfriend will remain my friend after the relationship is through... although i feel bad to what i did to him... i'm just lucky that he tried to understand me... although i don't even deserve it... he still remains my friend.. i hope he finds the girl that will stay with him through ups and downs...

my best friend is someone i am actually scared of at first... i was scared to fall for him completely... (he was/is my crush) ... but lately... i can sense that now that we agreed to be best friends... my feelings are kept in check... although he did break-up with his girl at first coz of me... (evil me... unknowingly)... i realized that what i feel for him is not enough to let me take the risks... so we are better off as what we are...

my grandma's death was really nice... she got to bid goodbye to people that she cared about and she was able to fulfill her Christian duties until the very end... not everyone are blessed to die in such a way... although i miss her presence at home... i know that she is happy where she is right now... for i know that the kingdom of God is also hers'...

i am amazed with all the things that has happened... i know that all things happen for a reason and lesson in life... that is what keeps me motivated... life is indeed crazy but it teaches us to be right in this crazy world... maybe not now... but soon...

^_^ y i like him?

it's funny how i ended up unceremoniously telling him i like him... lolz... seems like i spoil all the romantic bone in me when i get frustrated... there is nothing romantic with having to tell a guy he is your crush through sms... tsk3... but anyways... a few days forward... we're still texting each other... i'm just scared that it'll end before im ready to let go...

when he asked me why i liked him... i couldn't give him any straight answer... what a dumbass i really am... hihihih but he just said he has a crush on me too... ( yey no romantic factor! still thru sms)... then again, when we see each other personally... we don't talk about "this" stuff...

i like this day and i do not just like him.. i've fallen for him a long time ago... (but i won't tell him that... prOMIse) ^_^

nice

i can never thank you enough

when you told me about what you were to do with your life... i believed you w/o question and really sympathized for you... but now that i know that what you said was a lie... i don't know what your motive behind the move was... but i just want you to know that i feel bad but mostly i feel really grateful... you just totally established the fact that i am over you... that what i felt for you was that shallow... i am happy just to know that what you told me was a lie... a part of me keeps on telling me that you may have never told me any truth but i wanna think otherwise... but still... thanx a lot for letting me know that you could actually think that what you did was funny... but it was not... i really wanna tell all of this stuff right to your face... but i won't... cause i don't know if it matters or not.... tsk3.... too bad... i thought i finally found somebody to trust... yet you shattered all of the hope i had in finding someone in this world whom i can actually talk to about anything under the sun... how many times did i ever make a fool out of myself in front of your eyes? i don't wanna know really... sometimes... what we don't know... can never hurt us... so it's best to stay that way... a secret... and the past we shared... will be just that... a beautiful and hopeful past...

strangers once again

no use crying over spilt milk they say.. and i am not...

it just hurts to think that i am now once again...

virtually "real-friend" friendless.... T_T

being honest with yourself and other people all the time feels good...

but the fact that reality bites is still true...

not all can share your honesty...

not all wants to hear the truth...

and sometimes... the bitter price for honesty...

is people get hurt around you...

and slowly... they fade away into the backgrounds of your life...

im not sorry for the things i said and did...

but im sorry for how the things worked out between us...

(j.p.)

a fresh dull start

the time for a new semester has arrived... but before that... a lot of things has heppened to me... and once again... i have come to face the fact that i can only be able to rely on myself to sort things out... that no one in this world really gives a damn on what you feel... okay.... there may be a few people out there who really cares... but it sucks to put so much hope on a world that keeps on leaving you behind...

deep water creates inner turmoil

I know that it is not the job of anybody on this earth to comfort me. No matter neither how good I was nor how much kindness I offered up to the world. That is the reality that I have come to acknowledge in this lifetime. I may be just a dumb person right now, trying and thinking of ways to pre-occupy myself to further steer away from thinking of the worst. Funny though, it is like I have come to be just one of the personas’ whom I inwardly dislike. The bunch of people who just let things happen for sheer fate in fate. It is like slowly, day by day, I cease to stop struggling from the obstacles hurled my way. It seems that I am already incapable of feeling what is really needed. At times I react to stimuli in my environment in a way not even textbook. Maybe, just maybe… I have become much more insane than I thought.

is this it?

what happened last week was really weird... the urge to confess and stay away from him... has been playing on my mind quite a lot... but the courage to do it... came really strong that day... so i did what i had 2 do that wednesday night... it was really weird... i expected him to laugh... he did not... i did not expect he would tell me he felt the same way... but when he said that he does not want me to stop really shook me... how can i really? when im so used to him? when i miss him every single day? he asked me what made me like him.... i don't know if i ever got to answer him... but i know why... i just don't know if im ready to take the next step... i like him because i can talk to him about anything... he is real to me and i like his sweetness... i like his character and i like his charm... but i do have lots of qualities that i dislike about him but i chose to overlook it... is this the real thing? or is this just another bout of infatuation? i guess it's the latter.. but if continue to talk to him everyday... and he continues just as he is... who knows? it might turn into something real for me? i hope it will too for him.... as of now... i'll honor his request to stay the same and not stay away from him... it was really nice to feel that he wants us to be more than friends but settle for being one just because im not ready yet...

i am officially out of it...

okay this time it is real... i am liking him as more than a friend...
i am playing with the feelings of three people at the same time...
but im not doing it on purpose...
the first person im playing with... i think is also playing with me...
he does seem to be just enjoying his own little game with me...
for me, it is just a test of will...
on who should give in first...
but that person is not me for i long for someone else...
the 2nd person...
he knows about the 1st person and he is actually dear to me...
i know im not really playing with him... or am i?

but the saddest part is the game i hve with the 3rd person... me...
i am playing with myself and my heart...
i now accept the fact that i like 2nd person as more than a friend...
yet i continue to play the 1st person...
how can i ever get out from this mess i got myself into??

what if?

lately... my life is full of freaking secrets...

i wanna shout out to the world just what is goin on with my life but i cant...

somethings holding me back....

the fear of everything is actually whats keeping me in this glass cage...

i want someone to come along and shatter the cage im in..

but is he the one infront of me...?

or am i looking and hoping at the wrong person?

what the heck is wrong with the world? with boys and men really...

geeezzz..... yesterday is just soooo hell for me... no... this week has been hell for me... i had to turn down 3 of em... and it sucks.... it's bcoz i really did not want to do that to them but they forced me to.... it's not that i don't like them... in fact i can even consider them... but the way they told me was what turned me off.... why can't guys confess to a girl in person?? or to me???

don't they know that it's like an insult for a girl to that?!

gosh... how i hate them... it does not even matter if the person i am referring to is young or mature... for they all act the same... oh and its monday 2mrow... i don't even know how to act around them... haaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...... now life is crazy...

it sucks to be insecure

i find it soo hard to accept the fact that i might be falling for you
im afraid that you won't be there to catch me when i fall
the only time i started to feel this was 4 years ago
and now it's back to haunt me
the feeling of worthlessness and giddiness
just when i thought that i'll never find someone
who can make me look forward to hearing from again and again

i want to take this chance with you
so i won't stop myself from feeling this things
the only thing that i can hope to do
is not to let my actions betray what i feel inside
i know that it's too early to say that i really like you
but i know that i like you for what i know you right now...
if only you feel the same....

when im talking to you
you make me think how nice it would be to have a boyfriend like you
although my mind is screaming no.... my heart says otherwise...
please... don't make me fall so hard for you
when you don't have plans in saving me...
for i fall hard and strong...

i am really?

i don't really know what's happening lately... why is it that a lot of guys are suddenly becoming my friends and actually showing interest in me... even strangers.... did i really change... do i really look like a girl now? have i become cute in the eyes of the opposite sex?

if only i have a guy friend to ask all these questions.... it's just that im too ashamed to ask them these questions.... grrr... i don't know what to do anymore... it's not that i don't like it... it's just that.... all of these are happening sooo fast.... waaaahhhhh!!

everyone likes to be noticed but i wish.... i was just the obsure persona in the background....

greatest disappointments in my life

*i am not thin enough (i am always the chubby one)

*i am not smart enough

*i did not get to pursue the college course of my dream

*still not meeting the guy who can change my perspective of love... (i.e., jaded state)

*not being rich enough

*not being brave enough to pursue and do things i wanna do....

*not having someone to consider a real friend... (if i did... this blog would never have existed)

*being much of an over thinker and analyst....

*being an insecure about being insecure

*still longing/caring for the 1st guy i fell inlove with 4 years ago.... (and to think that i deem myself above such human emotion)

*being such a great contradiction in every aspect

enough is enough

as all of these things happen around me... i have come to conclude that slowly... hopelessness has managed to cling its hold on me... i used to reprimand myself for being to cynical and jaded... every thought of giving up and decision not to care before was met with a reprimand frommy conscience...

everyday i used to think that if i was good enough, that if i prayed and wished hard enough... slowly... all of my disappointment in life will be proven wrong... i was gullible... fate must be having a fit of laughter right now... gone are the days when i will think that all will be well...

i still believe in God... and i know He exists... but i also know that everything happens for a reason... i always thought that the reason he gives this obstacles in my life is for me to emerge as a winner and with a smile on my face...

i realize now that all that was folly... i know now that it is foolish to engage hope in a hopeless world... and the only way to truly survive... is to encase oneself in an invisible barrier... so that one happens to be a mere audience to the happenings in the world... and the only master of my life... so as not to be disappointed by other people anymore... yes... the only way to spare my sanity is to hold on to the notion that i am still capable of being in control... jaded but in control...

silent tears

a hundred thousand things are running through my mind right now... i want to reach out and sympathize with the person supposed to be having the time of his life today... but instead... all hope for a simple happy celebration was doused with cold water at such a lightning quick move that one can only wonder in shock as to how such a tragedy happened...

i hate myself for i try to act and eventually fool myself that i am so used to this strife life that i was thrust upon... but no... every minute reality of this life is magnified a thousand times... every detail scrutinized subconsciously... my mind works in a pattern unknown even to me... sometimes i marvel at the way i handle my emotions and how i can easily hide the truth to expose itself to all of humanity... yes... i may be able to hide it properly but the truth of its existence within me... i can never forget...

i long for a confidant in my life... someone i can talk to... someone i can call up at any time i need... even in an ungodly time of dawn or night... but how can i possibly hope to find someone to trust in this world when all of the people i find close and dear to my heart seems to be rather disappointing and fall short of what i expect them to be? i know that i can never find a person to love me for who i really am... until the day that all part of me is made known to that person... but how? when none of the people around me even show a slight interest to peck how i really am inside...

it's disturbing to want to open up to a world where no one really seems to want you to open up... i'm sick and tired of pretensions... im sick of my family and im sick of my life and all the antics that my stupid brain with a life of its own come up to hide what an unbearable, lonely soul it is that resides within me...

love is just a word

i freakin hate myself... why do i always feel the need to think about love and relationships...

i hate that... i hate that because love is superficial... give it time and it all goes away...

a lot of people say that love is what makes the world go round... yeah right... tell that to my pet...

know what i really need right now? someone trustworthy... someone who knows what is going

through my mind and tell me that life is nothing really but just a piece of shit and that i should

stop hiding my thoughts and emotions for the whole world does not really care...