enough is enough

as all of these things happen around me... i have come to conclude that slowly... hopelessness has managed to cling its hold on me... i used to reprimand myself for being to cynical and jaded... every thought of giving up and decision not to care before was met with a reprimand frommy conscience...

everyday i used to think that if i was good enough, that if i prayed and wished hard enough... slowly... all of my disappointment in life will be proven wrong... i was gullible... fate must be having a fit of laughter right now... gone are the days when i will think that all will be well...

i still believe in God... and i know He exists... but i also know that everything happens for a reason... i always thought that the reason he gives this obstacles in my life is for me to emerge as a winner and with a smile on my face...

i realize now that all that was folly... i know now that it is foolish to engage hope in a hopeless world... and the only way to truly survive... is to encase oneself in an invisible barrier... so that one happens to be a mere audience to the happenings in the world... and the only master of my life... so as not to be disappointed by other people anymore... yes... the only way to spare my sanity is to hold on to the notion that i am still capable of being in control... jaded but in control...

silent tears

a hundred thousand things are running through my mind right now... i want to reach out and sympathize with the person supposed to be having the time of his life today... but instead... all hope for a simple happy celebration was doused with cold water at such a lightning quick move that one can only wonder in shock as to how such a tragedy happened...

i hate myself for i try to act and eventually fool myself that i am so used to this strife life that i was thrust upon... but no... every minute reality of this life is magnified a thousand times... every detail scrutinized subconsciously... my mind works in a pattern unknown even to me... sometimes i marvel at the way i handle my emotions and how i can easily hide the truth to expose itself to all of humanity... yes... i may be able to hide it properly but the truth of its existence within me... i can never forget...

i long for a confidant in my life... someone i can talk to... someone i can call up at any time i need... even in an ungodly time of dawn or night... but how can i possibly hope to find someone to trust in this world when all of the people i find close and dear to my heart seems to be rather disappointing and fall short of what i expect them to be? i know that i can never find a person to love me for who i really am... until the day that all part of me is made known to that person... but how? when none of the people around me even show a slight interest to peck how i really am inside...

it's disturbing to want to open up to a world where no one really seems to want you to open up... i'm sick and tired of pretensions... im sick of my family and im sick of my life and all the antics that my stupid brain with a life of its own come up to hide what an unbearable, lonely soul it is that resides within me...

love is just a word

i freakin hate myself... why do i always feel the need to think about love and relationships...

i hate that... i hate that because love is superficial... give it time and it all goes away...

a lot of people say that love is what makes the world go round... yeah right... tell that to my pet...

know what i really need right now? someone trustworthy... someone who knows what is going

through my mind and tell me that life is nothing really but just a piece of shit and that i should

stop hiding my thoughts and emotions for the whole world does not really care...

maturity does not always come with age

for pete's sake... you are already twenty years old. in fact, in a couple of days you'll add another one to your age. your supposed to be acting like a man now but you're not. You are like this one big spoiled,selfish baby. you ask why the 'rents won't trust you? it's coz of your darn actions man... i sometimes have this hateful emotions directed towards you coz of ur stupid actions. why do i always have to be included in all the by-products of your thoughtlessness?

you say that you care about this family and all. yes, those thoughts and ideas are quite heartwarming. i hate to admit but i think all of these are just talks. you are a man full of talk and no actions. i freakin hate you for that. why can't you.... just for one minute... think about the emotions of the people that care about you the most? i may hate you over and over again but i know that i'll also be forgiving you again and again.

that is not the point though. my point is that, the pain and anxiety of caring about you may recede over time. but the thought of having to feel and undergo it a couple of times more is much more scarring than the reality. i am so fed up with all the ensuing fights around the household... some created by the 'rents themselves and some created by you..

i know you just want to take some time for yourself but please take a hold of the time that you spend searching for yourself and finding a vent for all your mixed up emotions.you are not the only one suffering, we all are. i do hope that you mature emotionally soon.

if only you can get to read this and know that it is you that im talking about. you are not getting any younger... you should start to straighten up your life and find your life's direction.

broken hearts and happy endings

when we were little girls, most of us often dream of faraway castles and of a prince of our own. we were led to believe that love is all happiness and what every girl of pure heart can achieve. the innocence of the little princesses in us, allowed us to believe that true love is easy to find and will end all of our life's misery. such happy times are these moments in our lives.

then the sudden reality of maturity claims it stake upon the innocent minds. broader horizons,bigger world and more challenges in life. all of these stuff start to strip us of our innocence slowly but painfully. we start to learn that the human heart is a fragile and an important treasure. we also discover the horrible truth that not all frogs are prince's in disguise. we start to think carefully and doubt settles in.


gone are the days of-- "happy endings and they lived happily ever after". maturity does come with more knowledge and wisdom... but too much of these leads us to see the world in a jaded way. don't we just wish to go back to the days when our only problem were where to hold our next kiddie tea party? the time when broken hearts are nothing to us but an old lady's myth.

mindful of puddle

i have been thinking about creating an anonymous blog site to release the stress of the little people that lives inside my brain. it has been a couple of years since i wished for a bittersweet escape like this.

although i know that i am not as gifted as a writer out there... still i know that i need to write to relieve my stress. and now, i have finally decided to wage this anonymous escape for the fear that my mind will have to go on a mental lock down again.

as i was reading the stuff i wrote for my blog title and about me section... i felt that i was reading into a loner persona's blog spot or worse-- a psychopath about to break. A complete opposite to how people conceive me.

i sometimes hate myself for having lots of issues... but in reality of those times-- i feel sorry for myself... for i have lots of people surrounding me... yet i feel so lonely... for i keep on hiding a part of me that matters the most...