as all of these things happen around me... i have come to conclude that slowly... hopelessness has managed to cling its hold on me... i used to reprimand myself for being to cynical and jaded... every thought of giving up and decision not to care before was met with a reprimand frommy conscience...
everyday i used to think that if i was good enough, that if i prayed and wished hard enough... slowly... all of my disappointment in life will be proven wrong... i was gullible... fate must be having a fit of laughter right now... gone are the days when i will think that all will be well...
i still believe in God... and i know He exists... but i also know that everything happens for a reason... i always thought that the reason he gives this obstacles in my life is for me to emerge as a winner and with a smile on my face...
i realize now that all that was folly... i know now that it is foolish to engage hope in a hopeless world... and the only way to truly survive... is to encase oneself in an invisible barrier... so that one happens to be a mere audience to the happenings in the world... and the only master of my life... so as not to be disappointed by other people anymore... yes... the only way to spare my sanity is to hold on to the notion that i am still capable of being in control... jaded but in control...
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