is this it?

what happened last week was really weird... the urge to confess and stay away from him... has been playing on my mind quite a lot... but the courage to do it... came really strong that day... so i did what i had 2 do that wednesday night... it was really weird... i expected him to laugh... he did not... i did not expect he would tell me he felt the same way... but when he said that he does not want me to stop really shook me... how can i really? when im so used to him? when i miss him every single day? he asked me what made me like him.... i don't know if i ever got to answer him... but i know why... i just don't know if im ready to take the next step... i like him because i can talk to him about anything... he is real to me and i like his sweetness... i like his character and i like his charm... but i do have lots of qualities that i dislike about him but i chose to overlook it... is this the real thing? or is this just another bout of infatuation? i guess it's the latter.. but if continue to talk to him everyday... and he continues just as he is... who knows? it might turn into something real for me? i hope it will too for him.... as of now... i'll honor his request to stay the same and not stay away from him... it was really nice to feel that he wants us to be more than friends but settle for being one just because im not ready yet...

i am officially out of it...

okay this time it is real... i am liking him as more than a friend...
i am playing with the feelings of three people at the same time...
but im not doing it on purpose...
the first person im playing with... i think is also playing with me...
he does seem to be just enjoying his own little game with me...
for me, it is just a test of will...
on who should give in first...
but that person is not me for i long for someone else...
the 2nd person...
he knows about the 1st person and he is actually dear to me...
i know im not really playing with him... or am i?

but the saddest part is the game i hve with the 3rd person... me...
i am playing with myself and my heart...
i now accept the fact that i like 2nd person as more than a friend...
yet i continue to play the 1st person...
how can i ever get out from this mess i got myself into??

what if?

lately... my life is full of freaking secrets...

i wanna shout out to the world just what is goin on with my life but i cant...

somethings holding me back....

the fear of everything is actually whats keeping me in this glass cage...

i want someone to come along and shatter the cage im in..

but is he the one infront of me...?

or am i looking and hoping at the wrong person?

what the heck is wrong with the world? with boys and men really...

geeezzz..... yesterday is just soooo hell for me... no... this week has been hell for me... i had to turn down 3 of em... and it sucks.... it's bcoz i really did not want to do that to them but they forced me to.... it's not that i don't like them... in fact i can even consider them... but the way they told me was what turned me off.... why can't guys confess to a girl in person?? or to me???

don't they know that it's like an insult for a girl to that?!

gosh... how i hate them... it does not even matter if the person i am referring to is young or mature... for they all act the same... oh and its monday 2mrow... i don't even know how to act around them... haaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...... now life is crazy...

it sucks to be insecure

i find it soo hard to accept the fact that i might be falling for you
im afraid that you won't be there to catch me when i fall
the only time i started to feel this was 4 years ago
and now it's back to haunt me
the feeling of worthlessness and giddiness
just when i thought that i'll never find someone
who can make me look forward to hearing from again and again

i want to take this chance with you
so i won't stop myself from feeling this things
the only thing that i can hope to do
is not to let my actions betray what i feel inside
i know that it's too early to say that i really like you
but i know that i like you for what i know you right now...
if only you feel the same....

when im talking to you
you make me think how nice it would be to have a boyfriend like you
although my mind is screaming no.... my heart says otherwise...
please... don't make me fall so hard for you
when you don't have plans in saving me...
for i fall hard and strong...

i am really?

i don't really know what's happening lately... why is it that a lot of guys are suddenly becoming my friends and actually showing interest in me... even strangers.... did i really change... do i really look like a girl now? have i become cute in the eyes of the opposite sex?

if only i have a guy friend to ask all these questions.... it's just that im too ashamed to ask them these questions.... grrr... i don't know what to do anymore... it's not that i don't like it... it's just that.... all of these are happening sooo fast.... waaaahhhhh!!

everyone likes to be noticed but i wish.... i was just the obsure persona in the background....

greatest disappointments in my life

*i am not thin enough (i am always the chubby one)

*i am not smart enough

*i did not get to pursue the college course of my dream

*still not meeting the guy who can change my perspective of love... (i.e., jaded state)

*not being rich enough

*not being brave enough to pursue and do things i wanna do....

*not having someone to consider a real friend... (if i did... this blog would never have existed)

*being much of an over thinker and analyst....

*being an insecure about being insecure

*still longing/caring for the 1st guy i fell inlove with 4 years ago.... (and to think that i deem myself above such human emotion)

*being such a great contradiction in every aspect