i can never thank you enough

when you told me about what you were to do with your life... i believed you w/o question and really sympathized for you... but now that i know that what you said was a lie... i don't know what your motive behind the move was... but i just want you to know that i feel bad but mostly i feel really grateful... you just totally established the fact that i am over you... that what i felt for you was that shallow... i am happy just to know that what you told me was a lie... a part of me keeps on telling me that you may have never told me any truth but i wanna think otherwise... but still... thanx a lot for letting me know that you could actually think that what you did was funny... but it was not... i really wanna tell all of this stuff right to your face... but i won't... cause i don't know if it matters or not.... tsk3.... too bad... i thought i finally found somebody to trust... yet you shattered all of the hope i had in finding someone in this world whom i can actually talk to about anything under the sun... how many times did i ever make a fool out of myself in front of your eyes? i don't wanna know really... sometimes... what we don't know... can never hurt us... so it's best to stay that way... a secret... and the past we shared... will be just that... a beautiful and hopeful past...

strangers once again

no use crying over spilt milk they say.. and i am not...

it just hurts to think that i am now once again...

virtually "real-friend" friendless.... T_T

being honest with yourself and other people all the time feels good...

but the fact that reality bites is still true...

not all can share your honesty...

not all wants to hear the truth...

and sometimes... the bitter price for honesty...

is people get hurt around you...

and slowly... they fade away into the backgrounds of your life...

im not sorry for the things i said and did...

but im sorry for how the things worked out between us...

(j.p.)

a fresh dull start

the time for a new semester has arrived... but before that... a lot of things has heppened to me... and once again... i have come to face the fact that i can only be able to rely on myself to sort things out... that no one in this world really gives a damn on what you feel... okay.... there may be a few people out there who really cares... but it sucks to put so much hope on a world that keeps on leaving you behind...

deep water creates inner turmoil

I know that it is not the job of anybody on this earth to comfort me. No matter neither how good I was nor how much kindness I offered up to the world. That is the reality that I have come to acknowledge in this lifetime. I may be just a dumb person right now, trying and thinking of ways to pre-occupy myself to further steer away from thinking of the worst. Funny though, it is like I have come to be just one of the personas’ whom I inwardly dislike. The bunch of people who just let things happen for sheer fate in fate. It is like slowly, day by day, I cease to stop struggling from the obstacles hurled my way. It seems that I am already incapable of feeling what is really needed. At times I react to stimuli in my environment in a way not even textbook. Maybe, just maybe… I have become much more insane than I thought.

is this it?

what happened last week was really weird... the urge to confess and stay away from him... has been playing on my mind quite a lot... but the courage to do it... came really strong that day... so i did what i had 2 do that wednesday night... it was really weird... i expected him to laugh... he did not... i did not expect he would tell me he felt the same way... but when he said that he does not want me to stop really shook me... how can i really? when im so used to him? when i miss him every single day? he asked me what made me like him.... i don't know if i ever got to answer him... but i know why... i just don't know if im ready to take the next step... i like him because i can talk to him about anything... he is real to me and i like his sweetness... i like his character and i like his charm... but i do have lots of qualities that i dislike about him but i chose to overlook it... is this the real thing? or is this just another bout of infatuation? i guess it's the latter.. but if continue to talk to him everyday... and he continues just as he is... who knows? it might turn into something real for me? i hope it will too for him.... as of now... i'll honor his request to stay the same and not stay away from him... it was really nice to feel that he wants us to be more than friends but settle for being one just because im not ready yet...

i am officially out of it...

okay this time it is real... i am liking him as more than a friend...
i am playing with the feelings of three people at the same time...
but im not doing it on purpose...
the first person im playing with... i think is also playing with me...
he does seem to be just enjoying his own little game with me...
for me, it is just a test of will...
on who should give in first...
but that person is not me for i long for someone else...
the 2nd person...
he knows about the 1st person and he is actually dear to me...
i know im not really playing with him... or am i?

but the saddest part is the game i hve with the 3rd person... me...
i am playing with myself and my heart...
i now accept the fact that i like 2nd person as more than a friend...
yet i continue to play the 1st person...
how can i ever get out from this mess i got myself into??

what if?

lately... my life is full of freaking secrets...

i wanna shout out to the world just what is goin on with my life but i cant...

somethings holding me back....

the fear of everything is actually whats keeping me in this glass cage...

i want someone to come along and shatter the cage im in..

but is he the one infront of me...?

or am i looking and hoping at the wrong person?

what the heck is wrong with the world? with boys and men really...

geeezzz..... yesterday is just soooo hell for me... no... this week has been hell for me... i had to turn down 3 of em... and it sucks.... it's bcoz i really did not want to do that to them but they forced me to.... it's not that i don't like them... in fact i can even consider them... but the way they told me was what turned me off.... why can't guys confess to a girl in person?? or to me???

don't they know that it's like an insult for a girl to that?!

gosh... how i hate them... it does not even matter if the person i am referring to is young or mature... for they all act the same... oh and its monday 2mrow... i don't even know how to act around them... haaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...... now life is crazy...

it sucks to be insecure

i find it soo hard to accept the fact that i might be falling for you
im afraid that you won't be there to catch me when i fall
the only time i started to feel this was 4 years ago
and now it's back to haunt me
the feeling of worthlessness and giddiness
just when i thought that i'll never find someone
who can make me look forward to hearing from again and again

i want to take this chance with you
so i won't stop myself from feeling this things
the only thing that i can hope to do
is not to let my actions betray what i feel inside
i know that it's too early to say that i really like you
but i know that i like you for what i know you right now...
if only you feel the same....

when im talking to you
you make me think how nice it would be to have a boyfriend like you
although my mind is screaming no.... my heart says otherwise...
please... don't make me fall so hard for you
when you don't have plans in saving me...
for i fall hard and strong...

i am really?

i don't really know what's happening lately... why is it that a lot of guys are suddenly becoming my friends and actually showing interest in me... even strangers.... did i really change... do i really look like a girl now? have i become cute in the eyes of the opposite sex?

if only i have a guy friend to ask all these questions.... it's just that im too ashamed to ask them these questions.... grrr... i don't know what to do anymore... it's not that i don't like it... it's just that.... all of these are happening sooo fast.... waaaahhhhh!!

everyone likes to be noticed but i wish.... i was just the obsure persona in the background....

greatest disappointments in my life

*i am not thin enough (i am always the chubby one)

*i am not smart enough

*i did not get to pursue the college course of my dream

*still not meeting the guy who can change my perspective of love... (i.e., jaded state)

*not being rich enough

*not being brave enough to pursue and do things i wanna do....

*not having someone to consider a real friend... (if i did... this blog would never have existed)

*being much of an over thinker and analyst....

*being an insecure about being insecure

*still longing/caring for the 1st guy i fell inlove with 4 years ago.... (and to think that i deem myself above such human emotion)

*being such a great contradiction in every aspect

enough is enough

as all of these things happen around me... i have come to conclude that slowly... hopelessness has managed to cling its hold on me... i used to reprimand myself for being to cynical and jaded... every thought of giving up and decision not to care before was met with a reprimand frommy conscience...

everyday i used to think that if i was good enough, that if i prayed and wished hard enough... slowly... all of my disappointment in life will be proven wrong... i was gullible... fate must be having a fit of laughter right now... gone are the days when i will think that all will be well...

i still believe in God... and i know He exists... but i also know that everything happens for a reason... i always thought that the reason he gives this obstacles in my life is for me to emerge as a winner and with a smile on my face...

i realize now that all that was folly... i know now that it is foolish to engage hope in a hopeless world... and the only way to truly survive... is to encase oneself in an invisible barrier... so that one happens to be a mere audience to the happenings in the world... and the only master of my life... so as not to be disappointed by other people anymore... yes... the only way to spare my sanity is to hold on to the notion that i am still capable of being in control... jaded but in control...

silent tears

a hundred thousand things are running through my mind right now... i want to reach out and sympathize with the person supposed to be having the time of his life today... but instead... all hope for a simple happy celebration was doused with cold water at such a lightning quick move that one can only wonder in shock as to how such a tragedy happened...

i hate myself for i try to act and eventually fool myself that i am so used to this strife life that i was thrust upon... but no... every minute reality of this life is magnified a thousand times... every detail scrutinized subconsciously... my mind works in a pattern unknown even to me... sometimes i marvel at the way i handle my emotions and how i can easily hide the truth to expose itself to all of humanity... yes... i may be able to hide it properly but the truth of its existence within me... i can never forget...

i long for a confidant in my life... someone i can talk to... someone i can call up at any time i need... even in an ungodly time of dawn or night... but how can i possibly hope to find someone to trust in this world when all of the people i find close and dear to my heart seems to be rather disappointing and fall short of what i expect them to be? i know that i can never find a person to love me for who i really am... until the day that all part of me is made known to that person... but how? when none of the people around me even show a slight interest to peck how i really am inside...

it's disturbing to want to open up to a world where no one really seems to want you to open up... i'm sick and tired of pretensions... im sick of my family and im sick of my life and all the antics that my stupid brain with a life of its own come up to hide what an unbearable, lonely soul it is that resides within me...

love is just a word

i freakin hate myself... why do i always feel the need to think about love and relationships...

i hate that... i hate that because love is superficial... give it time and it all goes away...

a lot of people say that love is what makes the world go round... yeah right... tell that to my pet...

know what i really need right now? someone trustworthy... someone who knows what is going

through my mind and tell me that life is nothing really but just a piece of shit and that i should

stop hiding my thoughts and emotions for the whole world does not really care...

maturity does not always come with age

for pete's sake... you are already twenty years old. in fact, in a couple of days you'll add another one to your age. your supposed to be acting like a man now but you're not. You are like this one big spoiled,selfish baby. you ask why the 'rents won't trust you? it's coz of your darn actions man... i sometimes have this hateful emotions directed towards you coz of ur stupid actions. why do i always have to be included in all the by-products of your thoughtlessness?

you say that you care about this family and all. yes, those thoughts and ideas are quite heartwarming. i hate to admit but i think all of these are just talks. you are a man full of talk and no actions. i freakin hate you for that. why can't you.... just for one minute... think about the emotions of the people that care about you the most? i may hate you over and over again but i know that i'll also be forgiving you again and again.

that is not the point though. my point is that, the pain and anxiety of caring about you may recede over time. but the thought of having to feel and undergo it a couple of times more is much more scarring than the reality. i am so fed up with all the ensuing fights around the household... some created by the 'rents themselves and some created by you..

i know you just want to take some time for yourself but please take a hold of the time that you spend searching for yourself and finding a vent for all your mixed up emotions.you are not the only one suffering, we all are. i do hope that you mature emotionally soon.

if only you can get to read this and know that it is you that im talking about. you are not getting any younger... you should start to straighten up your life and find your life's direction.

broken hearts and happy endings

when we were little girls, most of us often dream of faraway castles and of a prince of our own. we were led to believe that love is all happiness and what every girl of pure heart can achieve. the innocence of the little princesses in us, allowed us to believe that true love is easy to find and will end all of our life's misery. such happy times are these moments in our lives.

then the sudden reality of maturity claims it stake upon the innocent minds. broader horizons,bigger world and more challenges in life. all of these stuff start to strip us of our innocence slowly but painfully. we start to learn that the human heart is a fragile and an important treasure. we also discover the horrible truth that not all frogs are prince's in disguise. we start to think carefully and doubt settles in.


gone are the days of-- "happy endings and they lived happily ever after". maturity does come with more knowledge and wisdom... but too much of these leads us to see the world in a jaded way. don't we just wish to go back to the days when our only problem were where to hold our next kiddie tea party? the time when broken hearts are nothing to us but an old lady's myth.

mindful of puddle

i have been thinking about creating an anonymous blog site to release the stress of the little people that lives inside my brain. it has been a couple of years since i wished for a bittersweet escape like this.

although i know that i am not as gifted as a writer out there... still i know that i need to write to relieve my stress. and now, i have finally decided to wage this anonymous escape for the fear that my mind will have to go on a mental lock down again.

as i was reading the stuff i wrote for my blog title and about me section... i felt that i was reading into a loner persona's blog spot or worse-- a psychopath about to break. A complete opposite to how people conceive me.

i sometimes hate myself for having lots of issues... but in reality of those times-- i feel sorry for myself... for i have lots of people surrounding me... yet i feel so lonely... for i keep on hiding a part of me that matters the most...